superstardom-ish

progress

so two weeks ago i had an audition for a commercial. i was sincerely grateful for it because i had gone through a drought and was feeling incredibly useless. it had been over a month since my last audition. unfortunately the audition was on a very inconvenient day.  i found out on a thursday afternoon that i had an audition the next day at 4:40pm.  i had work that thursday night (at the restaurant) as well as the next morning (at the assistant job) up until half an hour before my audition time slot, so that left little time to prepare for the audition (research the company of the commercial).  also, because of this audition, it threw off my plans friday afternoon. i had plans for tea with some girlfriends at 5pm across town and obviously wasn’t going to make it in time with the audition and rush hour. bottom line: i was not mentally prepared nor present for my audition. 

friday morning hits and it’s a hot day. my mind’s preoccupied with the upcoming events and i leave my make-up that i’ll need for the audition in the car while i’m at work. work’s done, and i get in my car to make myself pretty for my audition but i find that all the make-up has melted. yup. let’s add that my skin is super dry and i have a sty. there’s a glop of vaseline in my bag and i rub that over my dry ass skin. gross i know. so now i’m not physically prepared for my audition. at this point i’m thinking, well i have no chance of booking this, so whatever, let’s just get this over with. 

now, i know the title of this post is “progress” and so far it seems that i’ve done the opposite. patience alright? there was some pluses. i had researched a little about the company of the commercial and knew what colors to wear during my audition, light blue, grey and white. (you want to wear their color palette and not their competitors. i.e. if you audition for disney, do not wear orange, because that is the color of nickelodeon. bizarre industry, right?) i also arrived early to my audition.  unfortunately the audition process was more of a cattle call and i didn’t get seen until 5pm. at that point, i just wanted to leave and go to tea asap. i didn’t even care anymore. 

so it’s my turn to audition and after slating my name on camera, the camera guy asks me this question: what do you think our society as a whole needs to focus on more?  ok, so the role i’m up for was ‘student at night school’ so i couldn’t get education out of my head. but education is one of those issues that has been focused on, so what was i going to say? i blurted out this: “the teacher’s union. yes education is a popular issue, but nothing can really be done unless the teacher’s union is broken up and we hold someone accountable.” ugh. even in hindsight i loathe my answer. it is something i believe in, but at that time it just came out so lame. i’m sure it didn’t really matter what i said but how i said it, so i tried my best to say it with as much conviction as i could to overcompensate the lame answer. 

next, there was a desk with a notebook and pencil set up. i was to sit down, look forward at an x at the wall which was to be my teacher, take notes, and let my mind wander off in the distance with an optimistic look on my face. this part was easy because by then i just didn’t give a fuck, so i just did what i was told as quickly as i could to get out of there. 

with the thought of having no chance of booking the job, i was super surprised when the following tuesday i got a callback. wtf. i thought i blew it, but i guess they liked what they saw. 

at the callback, there’s an actual ‘teacher’ and she asks the question, what are the four presidents of mt. rushmore? i’m at a desk by myself and i have to raise my hand and answer the question. i had no prior knowledge what the question was going to be. so i raise my hand as instructed and the teacher picks me and then i realize, i actually have to answer this question. do i even know the answer? so my mind’s racing, i’m nervous, and i say, “george washington, abe lincoln, jefferson, and … john adams?” teacher says, “close. here’s a hint: one of them is a roosevelt.” i say, “aww, teddy!” and she says, “yup, that’s it! thanks!” and scene. end of callback. 

ok, so cool. i did the best i could and honestly at that point i had no idea what to expect. when i thought i did badly at the audition, i got a callback. after the callback, i thought i did fine, so going along with the pattern, did that mean i wasn’t going to book it? 

sunday afternoon rolls around and i get a call from my agent. he says, “alright, it’s down to the wire and now it’s just a matter of what direction they want to go. they want you to be “on available” (basically that means on standby) this coming monday and friday in case they choose you and you can come in for a fitting and the shoot. 

now, sorry to break it to you guys, but i didn’t get called in on monday, so i can assume that they won’t need me on friday, which ultimately means i didn’t book it. however, i’m in good spirits because wow, that’s like the third round. that’s the furthest i’ve ever gotten on anything. i’ve never really gotten past a callback until now. so booyah, there’s your progress, betch.

the 4 agreements

(in case you didn’t see my last post)

The 4 Agreements by Miguel Angel Ruiz

Agreement number 4. Always Do Your Best -

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Agreement number 3. Don’t Make Assumptions -

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement number 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally -

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement number 1: Be impeccable with your word -

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

*******

so my last post was a reblogged of the 4 agreements post from my friend’s tumblr: 7 Days Theory.  they are a menswear digital publication with the occasional inspiring quote/post/idea (it’s pretty cool actually).  i reblogged it for a couple of reasons.  the main reason was that they were giving away some cool t-shirts and to qualify to win, you had to reblog one of their 10 posts.  why i chose this particular post to reblog was because it got me to reflect which ultimately led me to write today because really, what would i write about if i wasn’t reflecting?

-sigh- lately i’ve lost my mojo :/ nothing really excites me in regards to my career.  i’m going through a lull for sure.  haven’t really been getting any auditions, and with the one i got a couple of weeks ago, i totally violated all 4 agreements above.  let’s explain how.

it was a commercial audition for a big chain company.  if i were to book it, it would have been a great help in my financial situation.  however i didn’t get it.  why? it was a call for an all asian cast.  two boys and two girls.  in the waiting room, we were paired up with each other and were given paper copies of the story board concept.  when i read through it, i immediately violated agreement number 2 and 3.  i took it personally and assumed the company was racist.  basically the concept started out with a group of asians (2 boys and 1 girl) studying outside on a grassy place.  they are bored and unmotivated.  then, a friend (asian girl) comes with a tray full of drinks (the featured product).  everyone grabs one and takes a sip and all of a sudden everything is transformed into ORIGAMI.  girl sees origami cranes fly by, boy #1 sees origami flowers bloom, boy #2 has an origami frog jump into his hand etc etc etc.  you get the idea. now if this was to run in asia, fine, i get it.  but it was to run in the US. by violating agreement #2, it prevented me from doing my best, consequently violating agreement #4.  i didn’t do my best.  in the audition room, the director is directing me to see all these origami creatures with wonderment and awe, and i couldn’t help but start off my look with bewilderment and embarrassment.  not only that, all my training with improv went out the window, i forgot to be specific, i forgot to work with the other people in my group, i violated agreement #1.  instead of speaking with integrity, i didn’t speak at all and provided no insight, no suggestion on how to help the group’s performance because i was trying to hide my annoyance with the whole ordeal.

here’s the thing: i deserved not getting it.  in hindsight, looking at the other people that i was paired up with, they took the audition enthusiastically, really contributing ideas and making the performance specific and their own.  if it wasn’t for them, i would’ve looked like a complete ass, but they included me and were really smart about it.  they’re all asian and didn’t take it personally and didn’t assume anything.  they not only did what they were told, but really brought themselves to the table.  so, even though i failed miserably in this situation, i can always shove it off as a learning experience.

however, i must say though, this company was a big company.  they didn’t need a commercial to convince people to buy their products.  the commercial was just to let people know of their new products that they had to offer.  and yes, there are basis to stereotypes, but with a company as well known as this, instead of encouraging and perpetuating such stereotypes, they not only had the capacity to reach over a million people nationwide, they could’ve changed the stereotype. they could’ve changed the mentality of millions of people.  they could’ve broken the stereotype.  but they didn’t.  and that leaves me disillusioned.

it brings me back to when i was in college.  i majored in mass communications and i remember after learning all the manipulation and framing of content to control viewers, i was left not only disillusioned, but angry.  it totally discouraged me from striving to find a career in communications because i didn’t want to be a part of that.  but my friend said, “don’t be so absolute about it. don’t just blow it off.  get in it, own it, and then change it!”  he took a very active stance to the issue whereas i took a defeatist attitude.

so bringing it back to this whole thing, in order to change something, i gotta get in it first! and to get in it, i cannot be acting like this … at all.  so, as i write this, i am also yelling at myself: shut up thi! stop your bitching and just do it.

7 Days Theory: The 4 Agreements by Miguel Angel Ruiz

just keep swimming

And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She’d say, “oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise”

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise

this song came on my shuffle today and it got me thinking about some recent events.

yesterday i got to be on set (whoo!), but not as an actor (whoo?).  as a rubik’s cube solver.  yes, one of the many useless skills i have on my resume.  i can solve the 3x3 rubik’s cube with an average time of 2 minutes.  i’m not a genius, i just memorized the directions when i was a kid.

my friend ross ching (he sat across from me in homeroom in the 6th grade <3) was directing a music video for a youtube star named jason chen.  ross really tries to stray away from the mainstream, concentrating on things that haven’t been done or featured before into his projects.  through time lapses, dominoes, light fixtures, yarn and with his most recent work (this video) rubik’s cubes, ross is always letting us see things in a different paradigm.

this video uses rubik’s cubes to substitute pixels in a photograph.  from close up, it looks indistinguishable, but as you back out, you begin to see an image take shape.  he had posted an instagram picture of all these rubik’s cubes in his apartment and i had commented if he needed help solving any of them, just for fun.  he never responded until maybe a week later, asking if i would be able to help out on the video.

to play with rubik’s cubes all day, get free lunch and snacks, and network?  uhh yea! of course i’m there!

looking at the call sheet (a spreadsheet with the schedule for every person involved in the production of the project), i have to say i never expected to see myself on it as a “cube solver”.  how nerdy. i always expected to see myself on any call sheet as cast. but since i haven’t really booked anything lately, this was as close as i could get.

being on set was so fun.  everyone was really nice and i made some facebook friends.  even chatting it up with the star of the video, i found him to be very approachable and grounded.  he was really a sweet kid.  after we wrapped, he came up to me, gave me a hug and thanked me for my work. i was just grateful to even be included.

but anyways, seeing the whole concept come to form, i found it to be a metaphorical reminder.  in the midst of all the chaos, i’m usually fixated on the problem and blinded from the bigger (and almost always much more beautiful) picture.  to relate it back— fixated on the fucked up individual cube and missing the whole image.

on set yesterday, my role was to be that guy ^,  the one manipulating each cube to form the final piece.  by having a clear view of the full picture in my mind at all times, the task to make it happen became fun.  i really enjoyed the process, sitting there and playing with 500+ rubik’s cubes.

in my last post i had voiced my worries toward my career track.  because i hadn’t booked anything as an actor, life began to suck and i had doubts to “just keep swimming”.   i wasn’t having fun anymore in acting class.  my part time jobs that allowed me the flexibility to go on auditions became unbearable.  living check by check and eating mcdonalds was annoying.  i questioned to myself, is it really worth it?

by fixating on the problem, i lost sight of the bigger picture and it began to affect everything in my life negatively.  but reflecting back on how i felt yesterday on set,  i  realized that yes, in the midst of all the chaos, i must never forget the dream, the full picture.  because if i do, i wouldn’t put it pass me to give up prematurely and never make or contribute anything beautiful.

to really reiterate this point, i went to death valley this past weekend.

the picture above is zabriskie point, one of the places to check out in the death valley national park.  anyways, death valley was formed by the erosion of sentiments and the unpredictable movements of the earth pushing up and out away from the valley over millions of years.  ”erosion”, “unpredictable”,  “pushing up and out away”, even “death” are words that sound pretty problematic.  but if the earth had stopped doing what it was doing, would something so overwhelmingly stunning exist?

true, the earth didn’t have a clear image of this in the back of its mind when it was moving about, but there’s something to be said when you give in to the feelings of uncertainty and unpredictability.  yes, you might not know what is going to happen, but is that so bad?  could something greater happen that is beyond our human intellect and imagination?  absolutely! why not?

2013 to be even awesomer!

the other day i was looking over an old post of mine about my goals for 2012.  reflecting back on this year, i realized that i pretty much accomplished everything on that list!  i got into the union. i’ve been working/shooting on a webseries i’ve created (it’s still in the editing phase, so i’ll unveil it when it’s ready).  i got a great team, including a theatrical agent that believes in me and just in time for pilot season, a hardworking manager, and an incredible teacher/coach.  my teacher has even stated that i’ve improved and i do find myself much more confident in the audition room.  working on the craft, i’ve also read a few acting books and am about to finish an actor prepares that was also read by chris nolan.  making connections, i’ve gone to a number of casting director workshops and have met tons of CDs around town, so the seeds have been planted.  got this website going to feature my stuff too.  aside from all the acting and to add some more points on the creative front, i finished writing my first novel through nanowrimo, and i recorded two more rap songs (soundcloud.com/t-nacious).  all in all, i’m an OG!:D

but enough of patting myself on the back, i realized that by putting down my goals, i was able to accomplish them. thus, i will be doing the same for 2013 and we’ll just call it self-proclaim prophecies. ;) in no particular order i will:

1. book at least one co-star role

2. go on at least three auditions/month (at least one theatrical audition/month, must submit myself more)

3. meet one person a month in the industry and make a connection (follow up with postcards, updates, letters)

4. edit webseries and launch a video a week starting in march (also to add on reel)

5. record rap video for one of my songs (probably for the f*ck you iceberg song and to add on reel too)

now as for my novel.  i know in my last post i said that it was scary to even think of letting someone else read my novel.  but one of my friends was very persistent and offered his expertise (he majored in english) to look it over and provide feedback.  here’s the thing, i really respect my friend’s opinion and i was afraid that if he were to read it and not like it, i would have to make peace that i had no right to write.  giving him the manuscript i told him to read the entire thing before he could say anything (who knows?  he could hate the beginning and maybe find redeeming qualities later?).  anyways, i was very apprehensive and nervous just waiting for his inevitable let down, and after a few days he sent me an email saying he … loved it.  hahahah!  yes! i know it doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you have confidence in your work, but to tell the truth, it doesn’t hurt to have someone else agree with you!  because i respect my friend’s opinion so much, and the fact that he likes my novel, only validates me and my work.  i can’t deny it feels great and gives me a great sense of self-confidence and pride.  of course there’s a ton of editing to be done and passages to add and rework, but he liked its core, its essence, its me-ness.  granted, he’s a friend, and i always feel friends are your personal fans, but so what?? i feel good! anyways, i’ve sidetracked and to bring it back, because of this boost of confidence, i have some self-proclaimed prophecies for this as well:

6. edit novel (find more peers to read it and find a professional editor)

7. find literary agent (research agencies, send query letters)

whew.  that’s 7 things to do in 2013.  i’m super excited and i think these things are totally achievable with hard work and a good attitude.  thank you 2012 you’ve been awesome, can’t wait for 2013 to be even awesomer!

and then i was done.

oops, the title pretty much spoils it.  hahaha, yes it is december 1st, and probably not many are still wondering if i was able to write 50,000 words in 30 days.  well wonder no more!  i did it!  i was really proud of myself by the end of it and celebrated my accomplishment with my wonderful friends.  they bombarded me with excited questions such as, how did you do it?  how did it feel?  are we going to read it?

let’s start with the first question: how did you do it?

there was never a doubt in my mind that i wasn’t going to make it.  it was interesting.  yes 50,000 words looked overwhelming, but breaking it down to how many words a day (1667), it wasn’t that bad.   i figured that would be about the length of a college personal statement (2-3pages).  

also, i don’t have a full time job.  on average i work about maybe 25-30 hours a week.  take away some hours for sleeping, and i’m left with over 12 hours a day for misc (that could include going out, eating, watching tv, auditioning, and classes).

24 x 7 = 168 hrs in a week - 30 hrs of work = 138 - 49 hrs of sleep (7hrs/night) = 89 hrs / 7days a week = 12.71 hrs a day.  

so, to devote about 2-3hrs a day to writing wasn’t that bad at all.  it actually passed by quickly when i got into the zone.  

finally, i wrote what i knew.  myself.  and in doing that, i also discovered a lot of things as well (which for me, was the whole point of the entire process).  

i’ve said before that writing for me is a very cathartic act and it was very much so during this past month.  there’s always some part of my life that needs reflection and improvement.  thus, i took one of those parts of my life and used it as fuel to write my novel.  

however, it must be clarified that i wasn’t writing a diary/journal/memoir.  that’s too easy.  it’s national NOVEL writing month.  i wanted to actually have a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end.  i wanted to create, not to retell.  plus it was fun to learn about writing a novel.  i actually read up on do’s and don’ts and to really be cognizant with the reader in mind.  is what i’m saying clear enough for everyone to understand?  is this passage confusing?  inconsistent?  i had to think about writing in first person vs. third person.  i chose third person. ok, well, third person singular?  or third person omniscient? 

by no means am i a professional, seasoned writer that knows exactly what she is doing.  i chose to do third person singular, to just concentrate on developing my protagonist.  but by the end, it became third person omniscient.  whatever.  i went to my accountability partner and lamented my inconsistency, but he allowed it saying, “just call it your ‘style’.”

ok, second question: how did it feel?

if you recall from my nov 1st post, i tried to convey how incredibly motivated i was to do this.  i actually wanted to write.  at the crack of dawn on november 1st, after writing a blog post that day, i also went on to write 2000+ words towards the novel.  

the easy part was having a story to tell.  i had it.  the hardest part was getting started and figuring out the best way to articulate it.  it took a lot of effort to get started.  i would distract myself by watching top chef, south park, and mtv battle of the seasons.  i would listen to music and wikipedia the artists.  but then once i ran out of things to watch and listen, and then realized how much time i had spent NOT writing, i felt so unaccomplished that that feeling was what made me set to work. 

also, the community that nanowrimo had created online was so supportive and fun!  i loved perusing the website and checking my nanomail for pep talks from participating and published authors.  it really did pep me up and gave me that want to write.  i would get emails telling me about all these write ins at coffee shops or ihop around la and just the thought that there were so many people writing just to write was inspiring enough for me to continue typing along.  i actually donated money to their promote literacy and provide writing equipment for kids charities and i even bought myself a nanowrimo 2012 tshirt.  i’ve already sported it around town with pride.  

when finally i got to writing and even though i didn’t know exactly what to write or how to write it, by just doing it, by just getting into it, i made some really powerful revelations about myself and my story.  i had an idea of an ending, but by the time i got there, the ending had changed.  i had changed.  i didn’t plan the ending, i discovered it.  the words flowed easily and it was almost an out of body experience as i was acutely aware of myself.  

i am my protagonist.  that i did not make up.  and it was interesting to see myself in the third person.  as ironic as it is (because of course i live in irony), when reading novels, i gravitate toward strong women characters, but in writing a novel, my protagonist is a dumbass.  she’s the girl that as loud as you yell ‘don’t go into the basement’ she’s still going to go into the basement and get her head chopped off by the zombie in the corner.  ok, so maybe i am my harshest critic.  that’s why it was such a surprise to discover that i could also empathize with myself as well.  i could forgive her.  it’s ok, people make mistakes.  

by writing and reading my writing, i was putting my vulnerabilities on paper.  do you know how emotional that can be?  not only am i putting some part of my life ON PAPER, i’m putting my creativity (or at least what i think of it as creativity) ON PAPER.  the fact that it’s on paper makes it all so real.  so raw.  so scary.  it’s a tangible, literal record of my vulnerabilities.  

alright, last question: are we going to read it?

last week i had acting class with my phenomenal teacher, loren.  she really gets me.  she knows that i have shy tendencies and don’t like attention despite the fact that i want to be an actress.  she related to me and said, “i get it.  you don’t like letting people see you at your craft because you’ve just put yourself out there, for everyone to see.  you don’t want to hear any criticism or compliments not because you can’t take them, but because you’ve just put yourself out there and became vulnerable to the point that as soon as it’s over, you’d rather go hide in the back.”  

oh yea.  she’s good.  so to answer the above question, no.  no one is reading it. it’s my vulnerability on paper.  i’m not afraid of what people might think or say.  who cares what they think?  who cares what they’ll say?  but to let someone actually hold my vulnerability, to actually have my vulnerability in their hands, is SCARY.  it’s too personal.  some of my best friends want to read it.  they know everything about me.  and they’ll probably never get to read it.  

final question to myself: what did i get out of this?

i know from brene brown that to be vulnerable is to be beautiful.  to show my vulnerability is to share my beauty with others.  but i didn’t do nanowrimo in hopes to create a bestseller for money or for praise.  i did it for me.  i was honest with myself and got to see every little idiosyncrasy, every convoluted thought process, every stupid action of me.  and out of it i really did come to see that what makes me me, especially all the vulnerability i had put on paper, makes me beautiful :]